Honesty: Using the Six Principles of Sexual Health for Healing Betrayal Trauma”

Written by Mary- Frances Moore, ME.D, LMHC, CCPT II

The Six Principles of Sexual Health are “a set of minimum ground rules upon which each person can come to know their own specific individual vision of their personal sexual health” (Braun-Harvey, 2009). The sexual health principle of honesty reminds us that honesty involves being open to sexual pleasure and sexual experiences, as well as being open to sex education. Honesty is a foundational sexual health principle because without honesty in sexual spaces, effective communication cannot happen, which also means that the other Six Principles of Sexual Health cannot be upheld. Honesty as a sexual health principle not only means honesty with ourselves about our sexual lives, but also speaks to the standard of honesty we have with our sexual partners, healthcare providers, and our communities.

Often, infidelity and other out of control sexual behaviors (OCSB) occur when there is a discrepancy within the sexual health principle of honesty. Some individuals may struggle to reconcile some part of their sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual preferences, or erotic pleasure with their perception of other parts of their identity. When this occurs, it can be difficult to be honest with self about sexual pleasure, which also inhibits honesty with others. For some individuals, they may have lived through experiences or lived within communities which negatively impacted their perception of their body, their sexual identity, or their concept of sex and sexual health. This can significantly impact a person’s ability to feel comfortable exploring and understanding their sexual lives. For others, they may have a standard of honesty with self, but they struggle to share some part of their sexual lives with others, due to feared judgments, safety concerns, or cultural norms. It is important to validate and recognize that most adults did not receive adequate sexual health education in their developmental years, and sexual health conversations are difficult to navigate for most adults, including with healthcare providers and educators.

Betrayal trauma refers to a type of psychological trauma that occurs when someone’s trust is violated by someone or something they depend on. Within sexual and/or romantic relationships, this is often referred to as “stepping out,” “cheating,” “infidelity,” or an “affair.” Some relationships may seek counseling or other sources of support to find healing after betrayal trauma, and it is imperative that the betraying partner find spaces in which they can reflect upon their standards of honesty within their relationships to gain a clearer understanding of how dishonesty broke trust, and how consistent honesty and vulnerability can offer a path for rebuilding that trust. Below are some of the reasons that the sexual health principle of honesty is important for rebuilding trust after betrayal trauma:

  1. Restoring Trust
    • Betrayal trauma shatters the trust dynamic in a relationship, and honesty is the cornerstone for rebuilding that trust. It demonstrates accountability and a desire to move forward.
    • Consistency helps the betrayed partner feel that their partner is committed to change and is no longer withholding information.
  2. Validating the Betrayed Partner’s Reality
    • Many betrayed partners question their reality as a response to the trauma that has occurred. Honesty helps to validate the betrayed partner’s feelings and their reality, which can reduce self-doubt.
  3. Creating Emotional Safety
    • Honesty creates an environment in which a betrayed partner feels respected and valued, and that their experience of the betrayal is recognized by others. This creates a sense of emotional safety during the healing process.
  4. Encouraging Accountability
    • For the partner who engaged in the betrayal, it is important to validate the betrayed partner’s experience by taking responsibility for their actions and using honesty to communicate this to the betrayed partner.
    • It is highly recommended that individuals who have engaged in betrayal seek individual counseling to not only process their feelings in a safe space, but to use that space to begin to identify their actions and practice taking accountability so they can prepare to share that with their betrayed partner.
  5. Supporting Informed Decisions
    • A betrayed partner needs honest and truthful information about the betrayal and the relationship to make informed decisions which support their emotional and safety needs.
    • Honesty ensures that a betrayed partner can assess their values and determine if reconciliation or separation aligns best with their needs and values.
  6. Rebuilding Intimacy
    • Remember that without honesty in sexual relationships, the other sexual health principes cannot be discussed, which will inhibit emotional and sexual intimacy within close relationships.
    • Honest conversations can allow both the betrayed partner and the partner who has engaged in betrayal to work together to rebuild their connection.
  7. Preventing Further Harm
    • It is important for a partner who has engaged in betrayal to continue to show consistent vulnerability and honesty, despite their partner’s reactions. Even small discrepancies in honesty can retraumatize the betrayed partner and further erode the healing process.

The sexual health principle of honesty, when used after betrayal trauma, is not only a tool to disclose past actions for clarity and understanding but can also be used as a tool to create a new relationship which is centered on integrity, mutual respect, and openness. Even if partners decide to separate after betrayal trauma has occurred, there is still room for healing and growth for both partners if they attempt to process the betrayal using this sexual health principle as a guiding force.

If you have experienced betrayal trauma, know that there are a multitude of resources to support you on your journey. (Insert information about BTRC here)

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