Key Takeaways:
Understanding the stages of betrayal trauma can help you better understand and validate your experiences.
Each stage presents its own challenges and emotions, and each person’s process is different.
Therapy can help facilitate your unique journey to acceptance and healing.
“It felt like my entire world shattered in an instant.” Many of our clients describe betrayal trauma with these words. Betrayal by a loved one or a trusted person can leave deep emotional wounds, triggering emotions of fear, anger, and overwhelming grief. At The Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center (BTRC) we understand the complexity of betrayal trauma and the unique challenges it brings.
Our clinicians are not only trauma-informed but also certified in specialized betrayal trauma trainings through Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) and the International Institute of Trauma and Addictions Professionals (IITAP). We’re committed to offering a safe space where you can begin to heal and rebuild your trust in yourself and others.
This article will explore betrayal trauma stages, and how understanding them can empower you and lead you on your path to recovery. Whether you’re just starting the healing process or seeking deeper clarity, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
The Stages of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma is a deeply personal and painful experience that can occur when someone unexpectedly violates your trust, such as a romantic partner, family member, or close friend. Processing this type of trauma is complex and can significantly impact a person’s mental health, often involving multiple components as individuals work toward healing. The awareness of the different stages can help a betrayed person understand the emotional landscape of betrayal trauma, offering insight into the healing process.
Here are the key stages of betrayal trauma, along with descriptions, examples, and the emotional impacts individuals may experience as they move
1. Shock and Denial Stage
Description: The first stage of shock and denial stage of betrayal trauma often begins the moment betrayal is discovered. The mind struggles to process the enormity of what has happened. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that temporarily protects the person from overwhelming pain. Instead of immediately addressing the betrayal, the individual may try to convince themselves it didn’t happen or minimize its impact.
Example: A female partner discovers text messages on her husband’s phone indicating infidelity. Rather than confront him or acknowledge the betrayal, she tells herself it must be a misunderstanding or an innocent conversation.
Emotional Impact: A person in this stage may feel disoriented, numb, or detached. This can also be accompanied by physical symptoms like racing thoughts, rapid heart rate, or difficulty sleeping. Feelings of disbelief are common and may make the betrayal feel surreal or distant and people can describe themselves as feeling like even strangers to themselves.
2. Bargaining Stage
Description: During the bargaining stage, a person can often try to regain control by seeking resolutions or trying to “undo” the betrayal in their minds. They may bargain with themselves, the betrayer, or even a higher power, hoping to restore what was lost or prevent further harm. This stage is often marked by attempts to negotiate and rationalize.
Example: A business partner who was betrayed by a colleague might say, “If we just agree to set clearer boundaries and communicate better, things can go back to normal.” They may attempt to salvage the relationship without fully addressing the breach of trust.
Emotional Impact: Feelings of desperation, hope, and denial may intermingle. Those in this stage may cling to the idea that the person who betrayed them can redeem themselves, causing significant emotional conflict and anxiety and the person may not even realize they have experienced betrayal trauma.
3. Anger Stage
Description: The anger stage is when the person finally starts to express the rage and hurt they are feeling. This stage can last for weeks or months and can be very distressing. Some betrayed partners constantly think If only I had paid more attention, this wouldn’t have happened.” Recognizing that anger is Normal and is a natural response to betrayal.
Example: Following a spouse’s betrayal, a survivor of infidelity may lash out verbally, physically, or hold all of their anger in and feel numb which can impact a person’s emotional well being.
Emotional Impact: Anger can feel empowering and also overwhelming. While it can serve as a necessary outlet for emotional pain, it often brings frustration, irritability, and a lack of control. Learning healthy coping strategies for intense emotions and improve a persons mental health and help with rebuilding trust within themselves.
4. Sadness and Isolation Stage
Description: Once the anger fades, a deep sense of sadness typically follows. This is the stage where the weight of the betrayal begins to sink in. Survivors may start to grieve not just the betrayal itself, but the loss of trust, the relationship as they once knew it, or their own sense of security. Isolation is also common as individuals withdraw into themselves.
Example: After a friend betrays her by sharing a private secret, a woman may retreat from her social group entirely and distance herself from people she once trusted.
Emotional Impact: Individuals in this stage often feel weighed down by grief, hopelessness, or loneliness. It’s common to experience exhaustion, tearfulness, feeling numb, and feelings of rejection or abandonment. Increased self-doubt or thoughts of self-blame may also emerge.
5. Depression Stage
Description: Depression is often a deeper extension of the sadness stage. This stage may evoke a sense of emptiness, lethargy, or despair. Survivors might feel that life has lost its meaning or that healing is unattainable. Depression in this context reflects an emotional “rock bottom” and can be accompanied by guilt or shame. Some betrayed partners may even blame themselves for their partner’s behavior or sex addiction, leading to further feelings or symptoms consistent with depression.
Example: A man betrayed by his business partner finds himself unable to work or pursue new ventures. He questions his ability to trust others and wonders if he’ll ever be able to feel safe in a partnership again.
Emotional Impact: Depression often includes persistent feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and sadness. It may also contribute to physical symptoms such as fatigue, sleep disturbances, or changes in appetite. Seeking support from therapists or trusted individuals becomes crucial at this stage.
6. Acceptance Stage and Integration
Description: The final stage is acceptance, where survivors begin finding peace and closure. This does not mean the betrayal is forgotten or excused but rather that the individual learns how to live with it without allowing it to define them. Integration of the experience into their personal narrative is a hallmark of this stage, often fostering resilience and growth and can allow for a person to begin moving forward.
Example: Years after her spouse’s infidelity, a woman reflects on her experience; She acknowledges her pain, appreciates the lessons she’s learned, and feels confident in her ability to build trusting relationships in the future.
Emotional Impact: Acceptance is often marked by feelings of peace, empowerment, and renewed optimism. Confidence in navigating future relationships tends to grow, and survivors often begin to regain a sense of balance in their lives.
Final Thoughts
The stages of betrayal trauma can differ for each individual. It’s not uncommon to revisit earlier stages or experience a variety of emotions all at once. Healing takes time and often requires support from trusted individuals, therapists, or support groups.
If you’re navigating betrayal trauma—or helping someone who is—remember, you’re not alone. Seek support through a trusted friend, safe family members, professional guidance, and compassionate communities can make all the difference. Trust can be rebuilt, and peace is possible.
Final thoughts & resources for healing from betrayal trauma
Healing from betrayal trauma is a complex but vital process. Throughout this post, we’ve explored the stages of betrayal trauma, emphasizing the importance of understanding your emotions, practicing self-care, building a strong professional support network, personal support networks, and creating a new reality centered on your well-being. For a betrayed partner recovery is not a linear path, you don’t have to face it alone. Seeking support and utilizing resources can help you find peace and rebuild your resilience.
Resources for Healing
Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center (BTRC): We provide trauma-informed professional help for betrayal trauma, infidelity recovery, PTSD, and more. Reach out to us for personalized support via email at hello@thebtrc.com or call our office at 425-616-1261.
Betrayal Trauma Therapy Groups: Joining a specialized therapy group creates a safe space to connect with others facing similar challenges and help you build a strong support network.
Books on Betrayal Trauma: Explore titles like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk or Facing Heartbreak by Stephanie Carnes.
Online Support Communities: Platforms such as Betrayal Trauma Recovery support networks or local forums offer connection and shared experiences.
Self-Care Apps: Apps like Calm or Insight Timer can help with mindfulness and emotion regulation.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at the BTRC. You are not alone, and healing is within your reach. Contact us today to start your path toward resilience and renewed well-being.