The immediate postpartum period is an incredibly vulnerable and complex time for both partners. Both individuals are adjusting to a new way of existing in all aspects of their lives. Oftentimes non-birthing partners don’t know how to help despite a desire to care for their partner. And the data suggests that the non-birthing partner can play a critical role in supporting their partner’s mental health from day one. Below are three things your partner needs to hear from you in postpartum, and one phrase to stay away from.
- “This is so hard, and you’re doing a great job”
Validation of their effort and acknowledgement of the small tasks is always a good idea. If your partner has just given birth even the small tasks likely require physical and emotional energy they don’t have. Voicing that you notice how much they are giving of themselves can go a long way to helping them feel seen and opens the door to vital conversations about the mental load and division of labor between partners.
- “I’d like to support you in taking some time for you today, what feels like it would be most helpful?”
This one question demonstrates respect for the work your partner is doing, signals that you’re aware they have a variety of needs, and shows you support them in taking time for themselves. Day to day their needs will change and your willingness to prioritize a much needed time to connect with friends the same way you would a shower or lunch break shows your support of your partner as a whole person, not just a parent.
- “I trust you, trust your intuition”
This response when your partner shares they are concerned about their mental health or even that something is feeling “off” conveys that you’re taking their experience seriously. Some emotional or mental health changes are considered normal in the postpartum period but downplaying the “baby blues” or “just being hormonal” discourages birthing partners from seeking support when it could be helpful.
Stay Away from: “You Should”
You want to help. I get it. But starting any sentence with “you should” is not the move. Even if it’s “you should take a shower” or “you should take a break” consider other ways to share that you want to support your partner in taking care of themselves. Starting with a directive rather than curiosity sends the message that you’ve noticed they are failing to do something whereas curiosity opens the door for further exploration of their needs.
If you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed but know that you want to support your partner during this life-altering time, reach out. I’m here to help with that. Together, we can work to make sure you’re showing up as the kind of partner you’d like to be.